ma-sheeezz-mo

Never.....get between a woman and her sweets.

I went to a birthday party the other night....and got beat up.

Seriously.

I was standing in a corner of the dining room....having a pleasant conversation with the cuteboy & J. There we were.....talking, laughing, enjoying the party mood.....when this woman elbows me in the left kidney as she moves past me. Let me preface this by saying.....the three of us had been standing in the same corner for at least a half hour with plenty of room to navigate around us.

Anywho.... she elbows past, nailing me directly in the left kidney. Wincing....I look over my shoulder at her, as she...oblivious....heads for what I'm thinking is the cake table. Okay....? The cuteboy gives me a funny look....but I shake it off. No worries....she's obviously hungry. I mean...they're not serving cake yet...but maybe she's putting in her order for an end piece?

It wasn't 10 minutes later.....cuteboy, J & I are still conversing...still standing in the same corner. Again....this woman brushes past me. Yeah....brushes....I wish.

This time....she steps on my left foot. My perfectly-painted-bare-toed-flip-flop-wearing left foot. Jesus Christ! I look down to see a three-inch stacked heel planted squarely on my metatarsals. Am I wearing a kick-me sign? Am I on Candid Camera? I'm being punked...aren't I? Oh-my-fucking-god! I silently scream. What the....?!!...staring in disbelief at my foot. I am horrified by the 175 pounds of weight bearing down upon my slender size 9....grinding my (already flat) foot into the hardwoods. Tears are welling as I look up at the woman and mumble something to her along the lines of....

"Uh....yeah...I walk on my feet too. Only...I use the bottom so they don't wear out as fast."

Without as much as an "excuse me", she gives me this...look. I should have known better than to actually expect an apology. I mean...really...not even an acknowledgment was offered after the kidney offense. What I received, however....was entirely unexpected. A complete stare down. AS IF.....it was MY FAULT my foot was under her bigass shoe.

I was completely taken aback.

I picked my chin up off the floor and looked over at the cuteboy....patiently awaiting his boy-friend-to-the-rescue-here-I-am-to-save-the-day chivalry.

Huh? What?

Uh....yeah....keep waiting.

In the millisecond it took this woman to clench her fist and give me a look as if she meant to tear my head off....she also managed to completely shove the cuteboy aside like a sack o' potatoes. Leaving him in the corner....a quivering mass of could-you-possibly-be-any-less-manly-of-a-man. (What a pussy.)

Crypes....that's the last time I stand next to the cake table.

I picked him up off the floor and turned to confront this....this....woman when I realized....she wasn't trying to get to the cake. Apparently.......I had come between her....and her....sweets. Unbeknownst to me, this woman's girlfriend had been standing behind me the entire time. For some odd reason this woman seemed to think that I was flirting with the girlfriend...I really don't know. I swear....I only tossed my hair once...and it was mostly for the cuteboy's benefit. tee hee...

And that.....was just the beginning of the evening. (I'll save the disrobing in the kitchen sequence for another time.)

Sheesh...

*disclaimer - all or none of this story has been completely fabricated. Except the part about my boyfriend being a complete pussy. That part....is true.