Thursday, September 27, 2007

ma-sheeezz-mo

Never.....get between a woman and her sweets.

I went to a birthday party the other night....and got beat up.

Seriously.

I was standing in a corner of the dining room....having a pleasant conversation with the cuteboy & J. There we were.....talking, laughing, enjoying the party mood.....when this woman elbows me in the left kidney as she moves past me. Let me preface this by saying.....the three of us had been standing in the same corner for at least a half hour with plenty of room to navigate around us.

Anywho.... she elbows past, nailing me directly in the left kidney. Wincing....I look over my shoulder at her, as she...oblivious....heads for what I'm thinking is the cake table. Okay....? The cuteboy gives me a funny look....but I shake it off. No worries....she's obviously hungry. I mean...they're not serving cake yet...but maybe she's putting in her order for an end piece?

It wasn't 10 minutes later.....cuteboy, J & I are still conversing...still standing in the same corner. Again....this woman brushes past me. Yeah....brushes....I wish.

This time....she steps on my left foot. My perfectly-painted-bare-toed-flip-flop-wearing left foot. Jesus Christ! I look down to see a three-inch stacked heel planted squarely on my metatarsals. Am I wearing a kick-me sign? Am I on Candid Camera? I'm being punked...aren't I? Oh-my-fucking-god! I silently scream. What the....?!!...staring in disbelief at my foot. I am horrified by the 175 pounds of weight bearing down upon my slender size 9....grinding my (already flat) foot into the hardwoods. Tears are welling as I look up at the woman and mumble something to her along the lines of....

"Uh....yeah...I walk on my feet too. Only...I use the bottom so they don't wear out as fast."

Without as much as an "excuse me", she gives me this...look. I should have known better than to actually expect an apology. I mean...really...not even an acknowledgment was offered after the kidney offense. What I received, however....was entirely unexpected. A complete stare down. AS IF.....it was MY FAULT my foot was under her bigass shoe.

I was completely taken aback.

I picked my chin up off the floor and looked over at the cuteboy....patiently awaiting his boy-friend-to-the-rescue-here-I-am-to-save-the-day chivalry.

Huh? What?

Uh....yeah....keep waiting.

In the millisecond it took this woman to clench her fist and give me a look as if she meant to tear my head off....she also managed to completely shove the cuteboy aside like a sack o' potatoes. Leaving him in the corner....a quivering mass of could-you-possibly-be-any-less-manly-of-a-man. (What a pussy.)

Crypes....that's the last time I stand next to the cake table.

I picked him up off the floor and turned to confront this....this....woman when I realized....she wasn't trying to get to the cake. Apparently.......I had come between her....and her....sweets. Unbeknownst to me, this woman's girlfriend had been standing behind me the entire time. For some odd reason this woman seemed to think that I was flirting with the girlfriend...I really don't know. I swear....I only tossed my hair once...and it was mostly for the cuteboy's benefit. tee hee...

And that.....was just the beginning of the evening. (I'll save the disrobing in the kitchen sequence for another time.)

Sheesh...

*disclaimer - all or none of this story has been completely fabricated. Except the part about my boyfriend being a complete pussy. That part....is true
.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

hobbled

Ever had the pleasure of a bad back?

I started having back problems at about 10 years old. Twenty-nine years....and this has become old hat.

Of all the docs I've seen over the years....only one....the anesthesiologist that was giving me my epidural during labor....pointed out/asked me if I had had scoliosis as a child. (He noticed a curvature in my spine.)

Um....no?

The first time it happened....I was in the middle of gymnastics practice. Can't remember exactly what I was doing....but I couldn't stand up. I had to crawl off the mat and lay down.

That was the first of several "episodes" over the years....where I would hobble around for a few days. Hunched over....clutching my bottle of aspirin as if it was my only friend on earth. If it was really bad....I would go see a chiropractor or osteopath. No worries though....my back always rights itself. Eventually.

So....

I woke up in the middle of the night Tuesday to excruciating pain in my left hip. Throbbing, aching pain. I tried to get it to pop....but nothing was working. Unable to get comfortable, I tried going back to sleep. Good luck. By the time I got up Wednesday morning....my whole lower back had seized. Oh joy.

It was all I could do to stand up.

I downed a couple of Advil and winced through my work day.

Well....

The cuteboy felt so bad about my hobbling around.....that this morning....he threw his back out. Lucy & Ethel couldn't have timed it any better. Empathy pains....just for me. Isn't he the sweetest...?

The sight of us both trying to make our way down the stairs this morning....was too much. I started laughing....a bad thing when it comes to back pain.....I almost fell down the stairs.

Advil anyone....?

Saturday, September 22, 2007

got balls?

future blackmail piece......(tee hee)

video

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

snap shots...

One....month.

Thirty-Two days....B has been at Doernbecher's.

The cuteboy's been keeping a daily photo-log. Each day's progress is digitally captured. Flipping through the pics......takes your breath away.

Single shots. Moments in time. Reminders.

Much about those first few days is a blessed blur...but for the few vivid scenes that will be forever burned into my mind's eye. I can't think about B's initial surgery without a flood of tears welling up. Eight and a half hours that felt more like eighty. Sitting by his bed at 4:00 a.m. Holding his hand & intently watching his swollen unrecognizable face....whispering to him so he would know we were there. Thinking to myself....please please...just open your eyes & roll them at me....pull your hand away....show me the usual courtesy of animosity. Anything... to put my heart at ease.

Seems like yesterday.....and ages ago.


He's had amazing progress. And....a few setbacks. All in all...he's doing well. But....it's time to get him moved and on his way to rehabilitating.

You want so desperately for there to be steady progress....that when things stall....it's almost unbearable. Perhaps....a call to papa?

Thursday, September 13, 2007

pineconeman

...a client of mine....knowing the true beachbum that I am & long to be....offered to set me up at the coast and put me on his "payroll". I would be required to work one day a week......keeping the books in order, paying all the bills and filing the requisite tax returns. The rest of my week would be dedicated to surf. (He insists...the bastard.) And of course....not tell my current boss that he's stealing me away. Hee hee hee.....

A girl can dream....

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

blank

vacuous

static

staring at the wall

I got nothin....

Monday, September 03, 2007

On the mend...

Humptey Dumptey sat on a wall
Humptey Dumptey had a great fall
All the King's horses and All the King's men
Couldn't put Humptey together again

Thankfully......this was not the outcome for the cuteboy's son. The neuro & vascular surgeons that put B back together did an excellent job. And......thank you to the phenomenal nurses that work the pediatric icu. He spent a full two weeks there.....they've finally moved him upstairs. The docs still have to put the bone flap back in and it will be a long road to recovery......but every day he shows amazing improvement.

Yesterday.....he was discussing (schooling me on) the finer points of Wratchet & Clank......a PSP video game.

Good to know his genius is still intact.