Imagine

I am not some affected woman
going on about imaginary woes.
These hurts......
are real to me.
I hope to one day
give them up.

Open

closed
guarded
cold
shut
hard
inaccessible
vulnerable......
weakness

Doubts

myself
others
everyone
all the time
I look forward to the day
they end

Cure

they say laughter is the best medicine
his......is my cure-all
the hint of a tickle
uncontrollable
A smile...
the crinkle of an eye
giggles on top of giggles
I feel better
much
better

Eyes

Having my son see me cry
is a humiliating experience.
I'm getting used to it.

Ideal

He answered with honesty,
can't fault him for that.
It wasn't the answer I wanted.
Chasing.
Always.......chasing.

this conversation is over
done
no longer will I be pushed
cajoled
no more
this time, I'm ending it
now

Hear

I speak with no voice
scream with no sound.
On and on I go
never once being heard.
Listen.............
Did you hear it?
The sound of a door being closed.

Tears

Thank you......for reminding me
of all that I miss out on.
As if I didn't already know.
I appreciate the gesture.
Maybe one day I can repay it.

Done

done with this life
ready to move on
let it go
nothing you can do will change things
I quit long ago

Anger

Meddling so-called friends
Kiss my ass
Find some other fuck to pass judgement on

Speak

I sat with her
Silent
Unable to speak
Staring at the coals
I want....
Embarrassed
I resort to casual banter

Edits

Thoughts come & go
Sometimes......I remember to write them down
Record
Read
Delete
Always........self edit.

Deep

she swallows all emotion.
smiling at her self-control
slowly building
she pushes it back down
burying it
deep

Defenses

Steadfast and strong.
Stay out.
Stay out.
Stay out.
She kicks & screams & hits & cries.
Imaginary obstacles.
A smile..........broke the wall.

Dugal

His laughter.
Giggles galore.
I capture it.........in my mental bank.
I draw upon it often.
Often.....
I miss him.

Rollercoaster

highs and lows
never ending.
one day
I'd like to get off.

Front

Standing tall. Cool. Collected.
Nonchalant.
So composed.
I see you.
In all of your nakedness......
I see you.

Faces

Two.
A front for all that you are.
Stop telling me otherwise.
I see it. I've seen it. I'll continue to see it.
No more.
Get on with your one man act.
This curtain has closed.

Breathe

deeply inhaling
the water fills my lungs.
cool. calming.
cleansing.

Whisper

Visualize, he whispered
his hand on my throat
Visualize........

Mistress

I want a connection with a woman
One that speaks my language
Not placating to the digressions
Hear me
Laugh with me
Put to rest my fears

Introductions

He introduced me without a second thought
Even smiled at me during the introduction
This second nature is unfamiliar to me
I am humbled by the experience
Caught..........enjoying the moment

Void

Bones protruding, sunken sockets
You'll be much happier if you lost five pounds
Watching the numbers
Agonizing
At what point is happiness achieved?
Size 6? Size 4? Size 2?
Percentage of body fat drives me insane
Avoid the scale
Avoid the numbers
Void

Voice

We speak of the unspoken
Strangers he & I
Connected by a degree
In tune.....unknowing.....alike
Sometimes the saving grace is being able to express a thought

More

Another heaert I've chased
Sought approval from
She doesn't understand that I need her.
Connected in the womb
She beat me by seven minutes.
She's wiser for it.
More experienced.
More level.
More.

She

Whales in the line up
Eagles overhead
I asked her to surf with me.
Told her........I need you in the water.
She chuckled at the thought,
Big fish aren't my thing, she replied.
I know.

Three

One tells me I'm selfish. The other tells me I'm hurfull. My heart aches under the heaviness of anger. Unhappy, yet unable to let go. A boy smiles and breaks my heart. His laughter stops me in my tracks. Gives my heaert strength. Three. A triangle of hurt, heart and happiness.

Here I am....

Well..........I'm finally doing it...........blogging. Not sure I'm cut out for this.........but I'm willing to give it a go. As long as you all realize you're not allowed to criticize my writing. LOL!